just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
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