Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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