What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
