Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Randomize
