Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
My vagina just recognized that song.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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