I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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