i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
you will always have a special place in my vag
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
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