I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
