i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
