the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I feel like death gave me a hand job
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
