i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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