he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
