can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
