I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
