Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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