im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I'm eating all of the evidence.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
