There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Randomize
