So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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