I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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