some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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