wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
