I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
you will always have a special place in my vag
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Randomize
