Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Randomize
