Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
