he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
