We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
