I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
