my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
