Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
