i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
