i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
