I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Little spoons don't ask big questions
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Randomize
