Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
