Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Randomize
