he shaved USA in his pubs
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
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My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
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