I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
