11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
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