Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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