walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Too much gin, very little bucket
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
