We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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