Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
