He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
