Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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