Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
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