even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
