I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
