Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize
