Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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