Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
