Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
