i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Randomize
