I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Randomize
