The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
