I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Randomize
